Missing Grandpa

[WARNING—This is a bit more personal of a post than normal, skip to another post if you feel you shouldn’t read.]

Well Christmas is winding to a close and my thoughts are drifting to Grandpa again. This was our second Christmas without him and although rarely does a day go by without me thinking about him, it’s still the holidays that seem to be excessively difficult. I love my family so much and getting together with them is always a blast, but there is still this massive, gaping hole without Grandpa there. I miss him greeting me at the door with a kiss on the head, a quick rub on the shoulder and the predictable, “How’s Mouse doing?” with that awesome twinkle in his eye. [I am my grandpa’s “mouse” for those who didn’t know] :-) I miss curling up on the couch next to him after I am stuffed from dinner and getting drowsy and experiencing that awesome warm, safe feeling that always flooded my body whenever I was near him. I miss him joking with my uncles around the table and his adoration of the dogs and his delight at any of the tricks Uncle Brian could have his dogs perform for him. I miss him coming down on Christmas morning to be with us as we opened our presents, particularly when Benjamin “opened” his.

And thinking about any other day in the year that isn’t a holiday…I miss Grandpa’s hugs, I miss the unconditional love he always poured out on me, I miss being able to just sit at his house with him for hours and not have to talk, to just sit and be there beside him. Or to prattle on about anything and everything going on in my life when I was stressed or nervous and him just letting me get it all out...and not judging me for anything that was said. I miss being able to call him when I’m alone in a thunderstorm and him driving down to be with me. I miss his laugh. I miss him teasing me or teasing the dogs or cats. I miss feeding all the animals with him. I miss eating Snickers with him, or ice cream, or any form of chocolate. I miss being out in the barn with him or walking back to the pond with him with a dog close at our heels (Abby or Ben). I miss watching Casablanca with him. I miss sitting at the picnic table with him on an early summer evening, drinking in the smell of lilacs and looking out around the farm. And I had to pause just now because my mind went blank and that scares me to no end because I think that one of my greatest fears is I’m going to begin to forget, forget what he smelled like, forget what it was like to have him hug me, forget all the sweet and funny and absolutely wonderful things that made him my grandpa. One of the sure and stable, and thoroughly dependable presences in my life.

So tonight, as I’m missing Grandpa so much that my body hurts, I am pointed Godward, to Christ, my Rock, the eternally dependable presence in my life. Christ who IS my life. I am comforted by the fact that my relationship with Him will extend into eternity, that there will never be a time when I have to be separated from Him because I just couldn’t bear that. Having to keep going without Grandpa is trying enough, a life without my God would be unbearable!!!